Silent Bereavement
by Diosa Alexia
Summary: Remus knows Christmas just isn't what it used to be.


**Disclaimer:** I recognize and respect the ownership of one, Remus J. Lupin by Ms. Rowiling, he's not mine!

**Note:** This is a short, one-shot, sad Remus Christmas fic. The words in italics, Remus's writing, is actually lyrics from the song 'epiphany' by Staind. They own them, not me. Also, if you have read my story 'Black as Night' I plan on updating it very soon. Happy Holidays!

**Silent ****Bereavement**

_Your words to me just a whisper  
Your faces so unclear_

Remus J. Lupin sat in silence so thick it was nearly suffocating. The room glowed of red and green lights, the only light in the room. His face was like it had been the previous couple of months, completely expressionless. He set his quill down and took another long sip from the bottle of firewiskey in his hand. His eyes lingered on the colorfully animated pine tree in front of him. His eyes were drawn to the beautiful paper and bows of the packages beneath the tree. Christmas. Remus tried so desperately to forgot the holiday but she came anyways. Tonks, always so perky and happy. Didn't she realize how empty the world was? How meaningless everything had become? Obviously not, since she came bounding in the door, transfiguring Christmas decorations and providing gifts as he sat silently with eyes of stone. They had all been by with their condolences and their sympathetic smiles.

_I try to pay attention  
Your words just disappear_

God was that ever true. He tried so hard to hear what they were saying. Tonks had been by everyday to visit. But everything flowed right through the giant hole in his heart. She had tried to get him to open up but he was frozen. The grief was just too powerful, he was drowning. 

_'Cause it's always raining in my head  
Forget all the things I should have said_

Well, on to the next bottle of whisky, anything to stop the flood of memories torturing his soul. Life, what a fucking joke. Remus's whole life had been filled with nothing but despair. But did he ever let that stop him before? No way, he kept on smiling, handing out chocolate, teaching, and where did that get him? Now his only remaining friend was dead. 

_So I speak to you in riddles  
'Cause my words get in my way  
I smoke the whole thing to my head  
And feel it wash away_

"Christmas... Happy fucking Christmas Moony! Celebrate with your family and friends!" Remus muttered angrily as he violently wiped away a few stray tears. "Let's open gifts and sing Jingle frickin Bells! Come on padfoot, where's the eggnog and the Santa hat? James, where is little Harry, eagerly awaiting Santa's visit? Oh that's right, you're all dead and Harry's too busy trying to keep Voldemort from killing him." he laughed bitterly and finished off the bottle. "Joyous season indeed." An animal-like fury struck him and he flung the empty glass bottle across the room, shattering it. His anger melted into sadness as he pitifully sunk to his knees. 'Why couldn't I have gone too? Me instead of Sirius? Harry needs his godfather.' Remus thought angrily, tears now falling faster than he could wipe them away. he drew his head down to the floor and wept silently.

_'Cause I can't take anymore of this  
I want to come apart  
And dig myself a little hole  
Inside your precious heart  
  
'Cause it's always raining in my head  
Forget all the things I should have said_

A quiet knock on the door went unnoticed. A young woman with short dark hair and eyes quietly entered the room, taking in the tragic scene before her. She bit down hard on her lip in an unsuccessful attempt to keep her tears at bay. She noticed the parchment on the floor and picked it up, reading it quickly.

_I am nothing more than  
A little boy inside  
That cries out for attention  
Yet I always try to hide  
'Cause I talk to you like children  
Though I don't know how I feel  
But I know I'll do the right thing  
If the right thing is revealed_

Remus, now aware of the human presence beside him looked up. "Tonks?" He whispered. 

She studied his tear stained face for only a moment, after all this was not the first time she had seen him break down like this. "Remus." She replied softly.

He reached out and pulled her to him hard. He clutched her small body as if she were his lifeline. She held him, rocking him slowly, rubbing his back. She pulled away slightly and kissed each of his damp eyes. "Happy Christmas Remus." she whispered, pressing her forehead to his, their fingers entwined.

"Same to you Tonks."

_'Cause its always raining in my head  
Forget all the things I should have said..._

Hmm... not sure if I like how that came out but I'm going to proceed to dedicate this to my cousin Heather who's birthday is Saturday, same day as me! 

  


Review please, I'd appreciate it!  



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